It didn’t even rain My grandma died when I was little And I remember standing at her grave under a tent Cause it rained My uncle said that God was crying cause we were sad So if God cried when my grandma died why was it so sunny today We dressed in our best Not sure if we should wear black or not Cause we were joyful that his pain had ended But selfishly sad that he was gone and it was sunny I watched my friends walk down the warm sidewalk It was December but it seemed like everyone was sweating Our eyes sweat like raindrops that were empty from the sky And when you looked into them it seemed like everyone was empty inside And we all wore fake smiles, although some claim them to be real But I still wonder how you can smile when after a week of torment you’ve forgotten how to feel And the hugs came in swarms Like the locust of moses And although they seemed to sooth for a moment When a pair of arms lets go it always reminds me of how empty they are It was a week before and everyone I knew fell to their knees We prayed “God we’re selfish but don’t take him please” And we cried, not the soft kind or single tears We wept like our lives depended on it Our tear ducts ran dry like a well The church was so big And empty it seemed like it could fit a million But as it filled I selfishly wondered why more people weren’t here A man like this deserved the world He changed the hearts of my friends And burnt his wick at both ends And yet somehow a disease had taken him over And we sang We sang words that we hoped to be true Praying that if they left our mouths that somehow they would bounce From the ceiling to our hearts and that this would all be over “whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say It is well, it is well with my soul” But God it’s not And it’s so hard for me to see past this I don’t want to love you when the world is without someone like him And people promise that he’s in a better place And some even say that you took him on purpose That heaven needed an angel and no one fit better But I can’t believe a God who loves his children would rob them of a blessing like him I know these are only words And my heart begs that they not be true But everyone around me seems to be trusting in you So why is it so hard for me When death comes Like a thief in the night And robs your children of the blessings Of the gift you call life God why can’t we get some answers Why can’t you send some angel Like you did for Mary That explains that everything will be ok Remind us your purpose is perfect in every way But instead we lie here Broken and empty And although everything within me doesn’t want to I’m trusting that you are greater than I And that your plans are bigger than mine Cause I don’t want a God that my puny little brain can wrap around If that were the case then I’d take the crown I don’t want a God that I can understand Because in that one sentence I loose the rock that I stand on

It started in darkness As chaos in sued Maybe something like your life Cause that sounds a lot like mine too With just the sound of his voice Just a few simple words The greatest metaphors we know Light and darkness were formed God my words couldn’t dream Of the impact of yours But right here right now speak through me I’m yours FATHER FORGIVE ME I’ve said it a thousand times And I’m never quite sure if it’s working They say your love is as big as my mind can wrap around Even bigger some say, on the days that I’m down But that magnitude scares me, I’m afraid that I’ll drown So I’ll just keep swimming in this puddle I’ve made In my mind like a chasm, a tiny raft on a tidal wave You are so much bigger than my mind lets me see And you love so much better than any person I’ll meet Our flesh tears holes in the peace of our existence Our own bodies like zombies eat us away upon resistance And I can’t stand to think of all the things that I’ve done But then again you don’t, you’ve thrown them away, their gone But this god that you speak of seems so far away But there’s people out there that swear that he knows my name The hairs on my head and the dreams of my heart But there’s absolutely no way he made this and called it art Paul said it perfectly, I am the worst of these But every now and again I swear I’ve got that guy beat And I stole that from a brother, I’m sure he won’t mind Cause that’s the least of the darkness that I’m hiding inside You don’t know what I’ve done If hate in my heart equals murder on this earth Then lock me up and throw away the key Put me in a straight jacket cause I’m a killer I’ve watched hate creep into my eyes while I look at the people I call my friends And I don’t even remember all my victims names But you still love me Forgiveness at it’s finest, hanging on a tree A man living blameless died for you and me And yet I have to remind myself of that almost by the minute Because I can’t seem to hold myself together Long enough for it to sink in. But death, that’s not the end Thats not the last chapter, thats not the towel thrown in The son of God came and he died but he rose again And that’s the reason I can stand here today Forgiven and free and blameless in every way I know what you’re thinking, not this again But LISTEN Trust me when I tell you it’s way easier for me To say Jesus loves you, than to believe that he loves me too And I promise, I swear that the Jesus you know Doesn’t care about money or putting on a show He’s nothing like me or your preacher or your mom And I know that we’ve all represented him wrong We’ve lied, and we’ve cheated, we’ve hated and cursed And with those same mouths proclaimed the beauty of birth I’m sorry for the people out there, including me Who painted Jesus upside for you As hard as is it to believe anything is real There’s a God who loves you and he knows how you feel He longs for, and waits for, and wants only you And deep down inside you know you need him too So don’t ignore that stirring that you’re feeling now Don’t let it end when I take a bow Listen to a God who loves you more than you know More than your Dad who left you Or that man that just throws You away like your trash Says he’ll find someone new Jesus died so you could feel love And he died for him too. So today begins the start of eternity And the good news is we only last about 80 years or maybe 100 cause I’m sick of this body And the pains of this place But I know he’s coming Some days it seems like a race Jesus is coming to make all things new To throw away the pains of this world and this body No crying, no hurting, no knives in the back He’s coming to renew us, and I hope he gets here soon

It was a Friday With the sun still asleep a man stayed awake A sleepless night of blood filled sweat And sweat filled tears A night where a kiss became a curse A curse that would save the world It was a Friday a cry was heard Father take this cup from me not my will be done but yours Though in case you are wondering I don't wanna do this It was a Friday But there was no excitement for a weekend Just a trial without justice And a cry that had no end A crowd gathered to convict a perfect man To place every piece into Gods perfect plan The plan of a God who loves us no matter far we go And despite that great love we just keep saying no It was a Friday His very people we're given a choice And rang in the air a single voice As Jesus' name was lifted high No words could be found but crucify The son of God remained silent and stood Endured a mockery that only perfect could As whips pierced his back And words pierced his soul Spit split his brow And thorns filled the holes The hands that healed sickness And gave site to the blind Were nailed to a cross Underneath a wicked sign And there hung a savior On a hill between thieves Broken and bruised Stripped and still bleeding He clung to a life Lived perfect and good To pay for the sins That you and I should We deserved death He wreaked of perfection A love made so clear That no one could question It was a Friday A father had forsaken his son A fact driven home by the cry of his little one My god my god cried a voice in the darkness But God turned his back on the one who was faultless He looked into the eyes of his betrayers Gasping for air, and watching the takers He put aside himself and asked forgiveness for the ones who helped In putting him on this tree so that he could die for you and for me In that moment the veil was torn And the clouds became dark The void between God Filled with a perfect heart A day full of evil Of nails and of pain And we have the audacity To put good in its name With his last breath he spoke It is finished was heard Death found its rest In the flesh of the word And as they pulled his body from the cross he bore They claimed the king of the jews would live no more It was a Friday His mother wept His friends stood silent Denying faith As the crowd got violent Every hope their fingers clung to Dashed and shattered in an effort to save you The day turned night All hope was lost The disciples gathered to mourn for the cross But this Friday wasn't all in vain They forgot their best friends last name The day that Christ fell Mercy stood And this is why we can call this Friday so good

When people ask me what I’m scared of I never know what to say Because if I admit its the dark The scares me the most If I admit that when I go outside and it’s night time That I run to my car and breath heavily there And my eyes dart around to see if anyone cares If I admit that my heart beats three or four times as fast After the sun goes down and I’m caught in this vast Expanse of darkness that’s scary I think it’s scary because the darkness is nothing You never know what it hides Cause I’ve seen darkness in peoples eyes And they hide all their secrets that they’ve locked up inside Like the pills that they took just to keep themselves living Or the night that they stood at the top of that building Just hoping they’d have the guts to jump off But the darkness of the street is still scary Even from all the way up here But there is nothing to be scared of I fear that I’ve seen the worst I used to be scared of you seeing me cry But now it seems that I cry all the time Sometimes this heart I’ve been given is so full of this crap That I can’t help but spill water from my eyes And yell take this and god take that Because I have been at the end of my rope And I’ve watched the people around me cope With the exact same stuff that I’m going through Yet somehow they seem put together But I’m falling apart If you know what I mean I have hit the rock bottom and sometimes thats ok You see the bottom is nice, it gives me somewhere to lay Somewhere to rest knowing I can’t get much lower But the rocks are the hard part They poke and they stab and get all the right spots Pouring blood from my wounds and refusing to clot But when you hit the bottom and can’t go anymore That’s always when your plate stacks again “You can carry one more?” right? WRONG, I’m done and I’m through And it’s here that I’ve most experienced you You see God I know now that I need you And sometimes I hate you for it Cause God when I’m at my lowest I can’t help it I don’t have a choice or a plan And I have to give up and trust that your hands Are big enough to hold up me and my stuff But I hope you know there’s a lot and most of it’s pretty tough You just reach out your arms Like those old poems say And speak softly and kindly And from the darkness bring day But it always seems just a little too late Cause God my nights don’t always bring happy mornings And my days often end in the darkness of your things I can’t tell you that I trust all the time And I can’t claim this last time to be anything but mine But I do know that you love even through questions And my fear and my tears and oncoming depression Are no match for the spirit that wells up inside me Like a phoenix from ashes your love it compels me To praise in the darkness and thank you for night And when morning comes to smile because tomorrow just might Bring a new set of problems to bring me down harder Only for you to pick me up and show that you are much stronger

My pastors tell me to guard my heart But you've got yours locked up like the yard Like its doing time for some heinous crime it committed in a past life Don't you think you've taken it a little too far Cause I'm slowly learning my pastors aren't always right Your heart in a box with three locks and a chain To me that's no way to live We were created to be one with someone A man stood in a garden Alone in the image of the highest creator No one greater And he who reigns on high did not say it is good Instead he created another who looked a lot like you They say I wear my heart on my sleeve like its a bad thing But maybe God was just tired after 5 days of working So instead of putting it out in the open He locked it up behind these bars so easily broken And now tell our children false teachings of the way we should care for it. Well I fired my guard and I tore down these walls And enemies have attacked but I have a god who doesn't lack Love or mercy or grace And though its always come back to slap me in the face I will not guard my heart or question intruders To the least of these I do to you so If their hungry I will feed them from the walls of my ventricles If their thirsty I will quench them with the red that pumps through me Some say this makes me less of a man That I come not whole to the core of his plan But I'm pretty sure whoever she is will understand That's what's left of me is here And the rest is out there Tucked away in the memories of the people I've shared with And I won't regret a thing Because I know to the best of my ability I've loved at 100 percent And I've given from the core of my being And slowly but surely I will find the combinations To the locks on the box that holds your precious creations And lock after lock, chain after chain You will be freed from the binds you're contained in And if not for me for someone else But at least I will know that I've given you help In escaping from the hell you've been placed in Cause a heart in a box can't love like the ocean

I wanted to write you something Because that's what I do when I give my heart away But this time feels different, I say that every time But this time feels different When I think of you I think of the night that we drank And rubbed our hands together As steam filled our face And you said I hated life Because I preferred the sweetness of my cup to the bitter of yours Are we foolish to think that our cups combined Could really make something sweeter than mine And could two lives together be better than one And could we ever find the center of whatever this has become Because everyone around me tells me I'm loved But unless its from you it never seems like enough And I know there's a love bigger than life But I've always been happier with someone else's skin close to mine That night you told me what all of this meant That everything we did was to find that one person We would choose to love with a love that had no end I know why the use the word fall when they talk about love Because I definitely tripped into whatever this is I never meant for this to happen As the words left my lips But now when I think about you It's hard not to think that your it. And I talk about you like she talks about the moon The way her eyes light up as she's sees it poke through The darkness of night as we stand on the street Never noticing the source of the light that we see My friends say I've changed Not for better or worse But they say that it seems I've just replaced my curse Cause the space in my head has filled with thoughts of a who Not a love or a grace or a mercy for you But that's what I want, that's the true goal To love her like you do But God I can't do that cause I'm not you So I pick up the broken pieces that I've come to know as my life And I try to piece them back together all in order just right So that as I present myself to whoever she is She might see something whole not the truth that this is Not a whole man, not a perfect creation I’ve been with too many and all my pieces are taken And God if she knows that, if she’s sees the real me I’ve got to be honest, I’m afraid that she’ll leave Cause I’ve never shown anyone the truth of my past But then again I’ve never had anyone last And I’ve never wanted anyone to The way that my heart longs for that someone to be you But I’m not the victim, I’ve taken pieces too There were nights that I laid with her and I thought about you I knew the whole time that she wasn’t the one But my body took hold and chose the cheap thrill over none And now I have to tell my future wife that I’ve saved next to nothing for our now combined life And I know that you know this probably more than I do But I’m sorry I will never ever ever be as whole as you God I'm broken can you make me whole Cause this whole worlds got me singing at the top of my lungs Songs of freedom and heartbreak, of sex and of pearls This whole worlds got me singings songs about a girl

You went to Chicago Got on a plane And flew a thousand miles away And I never thought I'd miss you as much as I did You were only gone for a moment But I drove past the few places we spent Most our time just to see if I could feel like you might be mine Cause It's a gift to be in your presence And I know that I could never give you enough presents To make up for the things that you've taught me in this And i swear my heart is in this From that very first ride Up that hill to the fountain Just you and me on a drive I remember I looked into your eyes And something happened deep down inside I wont use a word like love or a fall But my God that night I could have showed you it all All of my cards out here in the open And everything within can't keep from hoping That my hand matches yours and our bets aren't too high So the pot is split, but you get just a little bit more of mine I'll give what's left of me For just a piece of you And I promise that ill keep it safe And keep it buried deep inside this mess we call faith And you might think I'm foolish I don't know what I'm in for But our hearts are like rivers So lets take the rapids together Cause every night you were gone I screamed at the top of my lungs If this is not for me If its some sort of game Please take it God Take it all away Cause I am tired of sewing up my heart And these last few months have ripped those stitches apart But maybe, just maybe, you are the thread that puts that last piece in place Or maybe you're just another piece to take away But either way I fell in love with the thought of Holding your hand And I've never tried so hard to discover his plan Cause God I want to know Whether this is for me Cause if its not Im sorry but I've gotta leave Cause my heart is in this From that very first ride Although I may have fooled you I sure tried to hide Cause I don't know if your the one This may be in vain And I've never been a sucker for this kind of pain But I'll risk it all to try to make this work And over every other girl on this earth Right now I want you, every piece you thinks broken Cause I believe in a God who created pieces from spoken Words from his mouth, he created us in his image And every piece of you, broken or not, is everything I've ever dreamed I wanted

If you would have asked me 2 weeks ago I would have swore the next poem I wrote would have been a happy one A love story maybe I probably would have wrote about how your hand fits so perfectly into mine Like Our fingers were meant to be so intertwined Or maybe about the potential of our lips meeting for the very first time And how that moment would have been everything you ever dreamed about You see those things are all still true The only thing that's missing is you And if I can be honest for a moment Sometimes this doesn't seem worth it Despite what I'm learning Or the way that your growing And despite what's broken And the way you seem to fix it all I'm not sure it's worth it I know Ive written about sewing up my heart And how all of the pieces keep falling apart But really If I can be honest for just a moment Sometimes this doesn't seem worth it If I had any choice in the matter I wouldn't be here But let me be clear I want to be right here Messy, broken, shattered, spoken, loving, patient, full of vengeance here It just doesn't always seem like I have a choice Sometimes it's like something is pulling me in your direction And even when we aren't speaking there's some sort of connection But whatever mixed up piece of my anatomy that controls the way that I feel Whether its the brain in my head Or the heart under your heels I don't know But it keeps coming back to right here Like somehow this is where I'm supposed to rest But rest hasn't come easily lately And when it has I don't wanna get out of bed Some call it depression I just call it voices in my head Cause life looks a lot different on the other side of your dreams And this is the other side of whatever we called you and me And that's why I find it so hard to believe The night you rest your head on my shoulder And you talked about the moment And the peace amongst the broken Mess in your room I swore I saw the real you The woman of valor begging to be let free From the chains and lies That have convinced you you're a slave to humanity That you're someone a victim to the way you've been treated and your heart needs to be just right in order to show it to anyone else. And I know these sentence fragments won't be of any help I just need you to know that you are worth it Way more than your potential as a future spouse. Way more than the words of anyone else And honestly way more than I deserve to call my friend But that's the beauty of grace isn't it That we get what we don't deserve We see a love we haven't earned And because of that The kingdom of heaven is advanced And if I'm honest I don't always understand Sometimes this whole heaven thing seems well out of my hands But what I do know What I'm absolutely sure of is this The kingdom of heaven is two people crying on a park bench